Why Blaming Others is Bad for You, and What To Do Instead
(Spoiler alert: Take Ownership)
It can be effortless to blame someone or something else in an unfortunate situation. Like, that stupid driver! Idiot of a colleague! Clumsy spouse!
In the past, my default response when something went wrong would be to automatically blame anything but myself. Blaming others is a very safe approach to feel better instantly by convincing yourself that it’s not your fault.
So, I mostly explained instead of apologized.
Which was bad. Even though it seems like that I saved face, I felt miserable about it and the people around me felt so too, or even worse, over time they would feel that they did everything wrong all the time. Which was absolutely not true.
A little over two years ago I had lunch with a long-time client. We always stayed in touch on life events but this time our conversation shifted from business to our personal lives and the passions we pursue. It was at this moment that we stumbled on a very similar interest. At that time I called this ‘being aware of the gap’ and my client would call it ‘a fascination for discipline’. And in that conversation, we figured out we were both experimenting with the concept that Jocko Willink coined ‘Extreme Ownership’. — Fast forward to today I aim to make taking ownership my default response on events that happen every day. Why? Because choosing your response means freedom.
“You don’t control the weather or other people’s thoughts, but you’re still able to decide what you’ll do with it”
Taking Ownership equals Freedom
If you’ve read the book ‘Extreme Ownership’ by Jocko Willink perhaps you remember that there’s a chapter called ‘discipline equals freedom’. For a while, I’ve been pursuing more freedom in my life, so I believe this chapter intrigued me the most. Could it be this simple? Is it really possible to be in control even when things occur in our ‘circle of concern’ as Covey likes to call it? Even though you don’t control things like the weather or other people's thoughts, you’re still able to decide what you’ll do with it and how you respond to it. You can take responsibility for your ‘response-ability’. I’ve learned that there is no one or nothing else to blame, ever. No matter the situation. — From that point forward my perception shifted and I actually wasn’t unable to ‘unsee’ it when I blamed or tried to convince myself that I was the victim of a situation or life.
“You can’t unsee it, once you see, know, and feel taking ownership and the impact it has on your life, you’re in for a treat!”
How to get started?
Being responsible and taking ownership is easier said than done. You don’t have to wake up at 4 am every morning or do heavy weight-lifting or intense workouts to take ownership of your life or become more disciplined.
I believe that what Tony Robbins calls the common denominator of successful people also applies here: ‘If you ask better questions, you’ll get better answers’
For me, it’s liberating to know, that by changing a couple of words in the sentence of my response on a situation, I’m able to gain control and influence the situation more than you’d ever before. For example, instead of saying ‘This is bad, why is this happening to me’ (fun fact: notice how easy your voice will tend to go dramatic in that sentence) the response from an ownership perspective could be ‘This is a difficult situation, what can I do to make the best of it?’.
So, when shifting from blame to aim, you’ll discover that there is much more that you can do than you thought or believed before. Simply by changing a few words in your reaction. Even though it doesn’t mean that there is always an answer or solution for the situation, deciding to accept what is and let go can also be taking ownership.
So, start today and Aim for ownership.
If you’ve read all through here, well done! Do you want to learn more about taking ownership and how to apply it in your life? Take a peek at the Take Ownership Fundamentals Course, you can read all about it on aimforownership.com
